Communiqué from Crusader Grand Global Headquarters

Major blows against infidels

It is with pride that we announce the latest hammer blows struck by the forces of the peace-loving West against the dastardly ranks of Moslem extremism.

Divinely inspired armies of the Republic of France, supported by their time-honoured ally, Britain, are engaging the cruel savagery of soldiers of jihad in the African state of Mali. They are marking major victories against the barbaric foe, giving up only the town of Diabaly since their arrival in the country.

French forces crusading against jihad

We naturally wish them continued success and ultimate victory, so that the West can again triumphantly build another great monument to the success of Western tolerance and civilisation, to set alongside our previous glorious achievements in Iraq and Afghanistan.

We understand that some voices are being raised against this kind of noble endeavour. We strongly urge anyone harbouring such thoughts to consider the nature of the foe we are up against: these are people who do not understand justice, who execute their will cruelly and without respect for their victims or for due process of law, violently repressing anyone they identify as offenders without giving them the right to representation or a proper hearing before anything we would recognise as a satisfactorily constituted court.

Before you side with Moslem extremists, remember that this is what happens if they take power.

Clarification on an unrelated matter

We have received questions about the beheading of a certain Rizana Nafeek, a Sri Lankan citizen, in Saudi Arabia last week.

Let us make it clear that we have absolutely no information on the subject. The trial was conducted in Arabic, which we do not speak, without translators and behind closed doors, unlike the execution which naturally took place in public. Nor was there a counsel for the defence we might otherwise have interviewed.

In the absence of any information about the case we have therefore chosen not to entertain any criticism, based on such obscure foundations, of our great and noble Saudi ally. Please also bear in mind that Rizana got very nearly 20 years of life, and that this incident, though unfortunate, at least prevented her having to deal with the inevitable inconveniences of growing old. Or indeed of getting married, going through pregnancy and bringing up a family. 

Unfortunate event
but a protest inconvenient to the grander cause

In any case, we have far too much to do keeping Moslem extremists driving forward in their insatiable drive for conquest and the seizure of power by naked military violence. This makes it impolitic to criticise our good friends and allies.

Especially as criticising them might push them to restrict our access to their oil. Or, heaven forfend, to raise its price.

Honestly. Try to get real.