3-D Corbyn: fiddling with anti-Semitism while Labour burns

The wonderful thing about faith is that it can never be wrong. If the world doesn’t end on the day the true believers announced, it’s only because they misinterpreted the Lord’s words or because they were unworthy of having their beliefs so spectacularly confirmed.

So it is with all cults. They can never be in error, and above all their guru is infallible. Consequently, if they begin to fail, there can only be one of two explanations: nefarious behaviour by traitors within, or vicious plots by conspirators from outside.

It’s happening inside the British Labour Party. It’s losing members, losing money and above all losing electoral support. Up against a hopelessly divided and discredited government, Labour is at least six points behind in the polls where normally the Opposition would be several points ahead.

That can’t be down to the leader. He is faultless, a man of unimpeachable integrity, remarkable courage and unsurpassed wisdom. So if the movement is failing under his enlightened hand, it can only be because it is being undermined by unconscionable elements doing the devil’s work.

Saint Jezza - incapable of only one thing: error

The internal traitors are numerous. They are red Tories or Blairites – frankly, the terms are interchangeable – and they have nothing better to do with their time than undermine the Labour Party and its revered leader. They are working for the return of a Tory government even if, as is the case of many of them, they have spent half a lifetime campaigning for Labour governments.

There is no contradiction here: those weren’t true Labour governments, merely Tory administrations in disguise. All these renegades were in fact sabotaging true Labour, infiltrating the party to poison the wells of untainted faith now running true thanks to the great leader.

But Labour isn’t only beset by internal enemies. There are powerful outside foes too. Chief amongst them is the government of Israel.

Were you so naïve as to think that Israel might be principally preoccupied with such nations as the United States or Russia? Or perhaps those, on its doorstep, which have threatened its very existence in the past, such as Syria or Egypt?

You are so wrong. What keeps Netanyahu awake at night is the prospect of a Labour government in Britain led by the sainted Jeremy Corbyn. His diplomatic service and intelligence agencies have bent their scheming minds to the most urgent of their tasks: preventing Corbyn ever entering No 10 as Prime Minister.

Some voices in senior government circles in Israel might be tempted to say “Stop Corbyn? Why bother? He’s sinking himself quite fast enough on his own”. They don’t last long. They too are the internal enemies, in this case of Israel, blind to the true threat posed by a minor nation on the edge of Europe, from which it is currently struggling to isolate itself still further.

Fortunately, Israel has friends it can count on in Britain. I, of course, am one of them, as is every British Jew. We do Israel’s bidding, even those of us who speak out against that state and denounce its behaviour as shameful. That’s just a smokescreen to disguise our true and devious aims.

Let’s be clear, by the way. These Corbynists who denounce what is, in fact, an international Jewish conspiracy against their man, are not anti-Semites. It’s true that the trope of international Jewish conspiracies has, in the past, been a hallmark of anti-Semitism, but it isn’t in this case. Because the international Jewish conspiracy denounced previously was a fraud, made up by anti-Semites; the one denounced by Corbynists today is real, and they have TV programmes from Al Jazeera to prove it.

What this all means is that everything Corbyn’s doing is precisely right, and exactly what is required to take Labour back to power. Only these vicious conspiracies stand in his way. Fortunately, he continues, imperturbable, to pursue what I have come to think of as his 3-D strategy.

By that I don’t mean that Corbyn is particularly 3-dimensional, except in the most trivially physical sense. There are times he strikes me as not even two-dimensional but one-dimensional, a man following a straight line leading nowhere – or, at least, nowhere useful. In fact, given his tendency to vanish whenever the going gets tough, it might even be sensible to think of him as a single point, vanishing over time.

No, when I say 3-D I’m referring to his preferred approach to any crisis, based on three Ds:

• Denial: he starts by claiming that there isn’t a problem
• Dithering: he takes as long as he’s can to avoid reaching a decision
• Delay: if finally forced to take a decision, he makes every effort to delay its implementation

It has, indeed, been the case of his approach to anti-Semitism. He started by pretending there was no problem (and many of his followers still do); he then spent months taking no decision about what to do about it; when finally he set up an organisation to take some action, he let time slip by ensuring that the gentlest measures possible were adopted as slowly as could be managed.

It’s the approach he prefers. His attitude was identical when it came to Brexit: he sat on the fence as long as he could until forced off it by the membership. Now he’s following along behind those he’s supposed to be leading, in the hope that the whole thing might blow over without his every being obliged to do anything meaningful.

However, please don’t imagine that this might have anything to do with Labour’s dire standing in the polls. Oh, no. The leader’s got it right.

It’s the traitors who are stabbing him in the back. They and they alone are responsible for the failure of the project. Especially thanks to the backing they have from a major international conspiracy.

Based, of course, in Jerusalem.