Brexit: what a brothel

It’s amusing how often you get quizzed about Brexit, as a Brit abroad. In fact, I’ve so often been asked “Brexit? What on earth’s that about?”, that I now deliver my stock response with the pat monotony of long repetition.

“No idea,” I say, “but if you ever find out, do please let me know.”

Brexiters always told me that the whole point of leaving the EU was to take back control over our own affairs. In a highly interdependent world, where no country, not even the most powerful, has full control of its future, let alone a middle-ranking power like Britain, that always struck me as a questionable notion. But today, with both main parties having lost control of themselves and the government having lost control of the country, my inclination would be to paraphrase Gandhi: asked for his opinion of Western Civilisation, he replied that he thought it would be a good idea. Well, in that same spirit, I think some measure of control would be suit Britain admirably. But that’s an aspiration, not a reality, and it looks a long way from being reached while the Brexit chaos continues.

Look at the current situation. May has negotiated a deal of some sort. The EU has made it clear no other deal is on offer. Parliament has rejected that deal. It has also voted against leaving with no deal. It has voted not to have a second referendum. It hasn’t, however, come up with any alternative deal.

It seems Britain has shown great skill in saying ‘stop’ but has yet to develop the ability to find a path along which it might say ‘go’.

It strikes me that we’re in the situation of three friends who have gone on holiday together, say to Southern Spain. When they get there, they find it’s not quite as they’d hoped: the accommodation isn’t that comfortable, the sea’s a long way away, restaurants and bars serve food with a distinctly foreign flavour to them.

So one friend suggests heading home. Another suggests they stay a while but cut the holiday short. A third wants to go somewhere else. But no one can agree with either of the others.

Mightn’t the most sensible thing be to decide to make the most of where they are? To try to enjoy what the place they chose might have to offer despite its failings? To learn, in other words, to like what they’re doing, if they can’t work out what they’d like to do?

It seems Britain still hasn’t come around to reaching that rational conclusion.

I’m told that it’s wrong to refer to voters, even Brexit voters, as stupid. Of course, my first reaction is to think “if voters don’t want to be thought of as stupid, they shouldn’t vote stupidly”. But, OK, I can see how it might be counterproductive to say so out loud. So I will not refer to Brexiters as stupid. However stupid their behaviour. Instead, I’d simply ask, “how smart can it be to wish for Brexit if no one can agree on what Brexit they want?”

Foreigners have little difficulty answering that kind of question.

The Spanish daily El País points out that, given the “wicker” she has to work with, it’s absolutely no surprise that Theresa May’s Brexit basket is empty. She has nothing to offer. But more than that, the paper is adamant that the Brexit mess is entirely of Britain’s making. The country, it claims, is incapable of agreeing with itself. It feels the EU has already been far too generous in its concessions. Certainly, El País is clear that the EU should concede nothing more.

El País illustration for a leader article headlined ‘Moribund Brexit’

That, however, is a well-constructed, carefully argued case. A much more succinct view was offered to me in Italy.

“Brexit? Che casino.”

That literally means “Brexit? What a brothel.” Though these days ‘che casino’ has just become a familiar way of saying “what a mess”.

Personally, I think a brothel, with its implications of questionable behaviour, outright deception and the meretricious pursuit of financial benefit through behaviour dubious to the point of corruption, sums up Brexit perfectly.

Even better, though, is the smile or chuckle that tends to accompany such comments. It should be a matter of pride that Britain amuses the world these days. However, generally we want people to be laughing with us, rather than at us. Unfortunately, Brexit has reduced our once-proud nation to a laughing stock. Even if the laughter is sometimes accompanied by tears.

Oh, dear. Brexit. What a brothel indeed.