A sprinkling of comfort. In case of fire

We’re not quite home and dry with work on our home.

It turns out that to be home and dry we need to install a means to make part of our home thoroughly wet. Contrary to the oft-repeated views of our contractor, building regulations require us to have more sophisticated precautions in place against the risk of fire. That means installing sprinklers in our sitting room and dining room. 

Sitting room and dining room are really one large room – well, large by our standards – which is the problem: the alternatively would be to split them once more into two rooms with a wall in between, at the same time walling off the staircase which is currently open-plan. That’s how things once were, no doubt, but we’d regret going back to that layout. So it has to be sprinklers.

Open Plan. We like it. But the price is sprinklers

They also want us to put in a first-floor window through which we might be able to escape to the street ahead of any flames.

Well, there are now neat round holes with protruding hoses in the ceilings of both the sitting room and dining room. For some reason, the sprinkler people had to send a couple of young lads round to do that work a week or two ago, but a second team has to come out to finish the job. That isn’t now due to happen for another two and a half weeks. We shall have holes in the ceilings nearly till Christmas now. So it will truly be a holy season. A holy holiday, indeed. 

Sprinkler hose in place. Wholly in tune with the holiday spirit

Still, you can imagine, I’m sure, that I now sleep a great deal better at night. I am no longer consumed by terrible dreams of being burned to a frazzle by a horrific blaze. We just have to hang on a little time longer and fine systems will be in place to protect us from so vile a fate.

I thought at first that if the terrible circumstances arose, I’d make for the new window and a break for freedom. Not that I understand why. It seems a little silly to go up to the first floor only to jump from the window, when I could just open the front door and leave the house on the same level as the street. But, hey, I didn’t make up fire precaution regulations and I suppose the people who did are far more qualified than I am to reach intelligent decisions on these matters.

In any case, I’m much more attracted by the idea of the sprinklers. I think my view is that if it comes to it, what I’d far rather do would be to make for the sitting room in the event of fire. Then I could sit in my favourite spot, the couch, and be sprinkled with water from the ceiling.

There I could enjoy the delights of a cold shower while I watch the flames moving inexorably closer. In all the comfort my couch affords.

I concede that there are downsides to that prospect. But you must admit it’s pretty dramatic. And all thanks to the considerate design of building regulations.

Fire? Bring it on, I say. We’re ready.

Or, at least, we shall be in a few weeks.